You Want Greener Grass?

It's like a plague in modern culture. A disease has been created... one that infects our most intimate relationships. It's conspicuous... since everyday we're flooded with advertisements, messages and images all promoting the next best thing: new products, new diets, new pills, new technology, upgrades, etc. New, better, faster, strongerrr! The idea that we never have to settle due to the fact that something better is always just around the corner becomes planted in people's brains. The message that the grass is always greener somewhere else seeps into people's psyches, becomes entrenched and taints personal relationships.

No wonder people fear commitment. No wonder people feel suffocated. Relationships are the only areas of our lives where believing that something better will come along actually hurts us.
Everything else in our lives is upgradeable by tossing out the old and acquiring the new. I suppose we as people have been programmed by none other than our nation, to act this way. Of course! Capitalism, free enterprise, etc. all securing a purchasing public. In order for that system to work, there must be an endless process of supply and demand, right? I'd agree that economically, this works pretty well but emotionally, it bankrupts.

If individuals learned to treat relationships differently, they'd view them differently. The whole "supply and demand mentality" would not be applied to our significant others. Relationships would be smarter, possibly even last longer and be based on stronger values in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, of course not everyone will be right for everyone but we must learn to recognize the people that treat us with respect and be aware of the people that give and not just take. Once we've found that somebody, we must also be brave enough not to question whether they are right or if their perhaps is someone better out there... because such an urge to "question" is simply the urge (unfortunately) forced upon us by society... to constantly upgrade to the newest thing! Once we realize that truth, we'll have a better view. We'll realize that the grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. n fact, fences are irrelevant. The grass will be greenest where it is nurtured. So if you're crossing over fences, carry water and tend that grass wherever you may be and you'll find that the urge to question will, in most cases, disappear...

Epiphany (LOVE)

"I comprehend life lyrically and musically.
I have come to understand that life is a dancer and you are the dance.

You don't live life. Life lives you, and the opposite of death is birth, because life has no opposite.
If more people let go of who they want to be, they can then just be who they are, and find no comparison.
I know my feelings are much stronger than reason but my thoughts are not who I am. As the saying goes, "whatever you fight, you strengthen, and whatever you resist, persists."

No more walls... I now feel bliss!

I am so thirsty for the wonderful that I've come to believe that only the wonderful has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something wonderful, I have to let go. It's not a loss, but a gain... I don't see it as unfortunate, since most of the time it's all in my favor.
Reality doesn't impress me but illusion will never satisfy!
I believe in intoxication of life. Ecstasy. God.
When ordinary life hinders me, I escape, one way or another, continuing on a search for not just contentment but joy, because even joy's simplest forms, will create an abundance in more ways that could ever be explained.

Eternal Sunshine!

Hot Damnnnn, that sun is shining through the skyscrapers today. It's beautiful in NYC! The Cherry Blossoms in front of my building, in Central Park and in Prospect Heights are in full bloom. We women are sporting dresses and floral prints. Car windows are rolled down all the way. Mr. Softee's anthem is blaring through the hoods. People even look happier... That's because Spring's officially showing us the real deal! Although by the time the evenings roll around, it's feeling more brisk for my taste but that's just the air's remnants of Winter's cold. It won't last long! That sun's warming up, slowly but surely, and for the past few days she's been going at us hard. And for me, just knowing Summer's coming and that the day's will be getting warmer and looonger, makes me as happy as a pig in shit!

The Sun has so much power, it seems. It has the ability to make a persons mood good or bad. It can symbolize happiness, contentment and bliss. It can signify clarity and power. It offer's light and warmth after darkness. It can be used as a symbol of steadfastness and reliability, for no matter how bleak your situation may seem. No matter how many problems you have, just knowing that the sun still rises in the morning, is a pure sign of rejuvenation and growth. The sun gives us permission to flourish and reconnect with nature again. It makes one believe that in every challenge there lies an opportunity, and behind every cloud sits a sun waiting for its chance to be revealed. The feeling it offers, as its rays rest on your face or back, lets us know our paths have been illuminated and that good fortune is on its way. So when the Sun appears, let its power amaze you and let its presence overwhelm. But do not simply just watch - reach up to grasp it, draw its power into yourself. Consider yourself sun-kissed! The power of the Sun is true power indeed and the proof is everywhere you turn!

Poetry in Motion...

If there is something to desire, there will be something to regret.

If there is something to regret, there will be something to recall.

If there is something to recall,there was nothing to regret.

If there was nothing to regret,there was nothing to desire.

-Vera Pavlova (translated from Russian by Steven Seymour)

I'm standing on the train, reading my book but feeling uncomfortable, a little bored, maybe anxious, or just distracted. When I looked up, I see a bold, olive script on one of those subway poetry posters, with this poem (above). When I saw it, it read like true blues. It got caught behind my eye, further back than any tears and seemed emblematic of the moments when I feel that I have to reassess where I'm going or what I'm doing and why. It's a familiar feeling. I have it every now and again (maybe just to keep me on track). Lately, I'm feeling like I'm very much closer to clearing the debris and remembering what's worth keeping, what's worth wishing, what's worth even thinking about... 

I recall another writing that sparked a similar kind of focus. It's the opening paragraph of Zora Neal Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God." 

Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men.
Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.

It's deep. It's insightful and I analyzed it in depth before I could go on with the story, then. Now, it comes to mind again for reasons I'm sure are marked by comprehension. Possibly, since the subway poem attracted the same mental note... the same convictions. Evaluate... Let go... awaken... be present.. be aware... be well...

Dunkin' Politics

The other day... on my way back home from seeing family, I find myself in the Bronx with a sudden coffee crave (not unusual) so I head into a local Dunkin' Donuts...

The middle-aged African American woman ahead of me in line sports an OBAMA '08 button on the lapel of her nice church coat. The younger woman behind the counter – another African American in her early 20s – sports a black wrap under her Giants cap. Yeah, you voting for Obama?" she says to the customer.
Her older Latina co-worker asks, "And who're you voting for?"

"Me? Clinton, baby," she says, wagging her finger. "Last time, under Clinton, I had a good job making $52,000 a year. Then, Bush comes along, and now I'm here working at Dunkin' Donuts." All of us smile, appropriately... like we understand that it's funny but not that funny. (OK to smile, foul to laugh), you know!

So the middle-aged woman (sporting the Obama button) explains the reason why she is not voting for Clinton. She says it's time for change, that her (Hilary's) husband was in there before, and so she's made her connections and deals, and that they owe people. So if Hillary gets in, she's going to be paying them back, and we don't need that. Same with Bush. First the father, then the son, the same ol' nonsense. "At least with Obama, we start fresh", she says.

Hmm, never thought of it that way, and I guess there's something to that. Not that Obama won't have some cronies to grease for helping him get into office if he becomes president. That just may be the way things work, but I kept my opinion to myself. Don't start none- won't be none!

Then, the cashier says, "No more Republicans." We all laugh, seeming to agree with that. As she hands the woman in front of me her coffee and change, she adds, "They're not for us. We all agree on that, too! At least, the Democrats are for us!" (Aye -I-I don't know about all that, but I understand why she feels that way! )

The older woman heads for the door with her coffee and her button (and her change). But before she steps out onto the street, she says, "Vote for whoever you want," she calls over her shoulder. "Just vote!"

I'm at the counter- its my turn, "hi! A small, with cream, not too light, and 1 Splenda, please?" Everyone just goes back to their business. No further questions or arguments, no bickering, no hastiness or name-calling, thank goodness. The conversation couldn't have been wrapped up any more nicely. So while fresh coffee continued brewing that evening, fresh, political thoughts & opinions continued to brew in our minds... and I'm not pouring mine into anyone's cup until I'm done brewing!

GUEST BLOG: My Raised Voice

Yesterday was Raise Your Voice For Type 1 Diabetes Awareness Day. I am a day late but a friend (in my head), and I'll keep her name confidential, posted a blog about and raised her voice. She is responsible for making this day, 4/14, possible as a day for people and children with Diabetes, as well as their family members and friends, a chance to speak out and be heard! She's my age but has had Diabetes for 10 years longer. I relate to everything she feels and experiences and have grown much respect for her. She's done so much to bring people with this disease together. Her motto is, "Diabetes doesn't define me, but it helps explain me!" I completely agree! Furthermore, I thank her! Here's what she writes:

My Raised Voice.
I wear it draped around me like an invisible cloak, one you can't see until I show you the sharp edges. This disease, this type 1 diabetes that you can't see or smell or taste unless I bring you in. It's my hidden disease, my quiet battle.

Look at me and you'll see my father's eyes. My mother's smile. You might notice my engagement ring, or the earrings I bought a few weeks ago, with the little moonstones. You might see that my jeans are hemmed because I'm slightly on the shorter side, or that my purse has a few little bite marks in the strap from where Siah nibbled on it as a kitten.

But look closer and you'll find my insulin pump, tucked into a pocket or resting in my sock. My fingertips, dotted brown from testing my blood sugar. My thighs, dotted red from past insulin pump infusion sets. My stomach, dotted red and smudged from Dexcom's patch. A pattern of stinging stars on my body, left by diabetes.

Listen to me and you'll hear my loud laugh. You'll hear my off-color jokes and my foolish attempts at puns. You'll hear me talking fast. Or maybe you'll hear my music, either coming from my desk or my home or my car. You'll hear me talking about my fiance, or my family, or my cats, or my much-loved nieces and nephew. You'll hear my passion, my ideas, my voice.

But listen closer still and you'll hear the quiet 'boop beep boop' of my insulin pump, the gentle shunk of the lancet as it pierces my skin, the sound of the meter bag being re-zipped. And if I let you in, you'll hear the veiled tone of uncertainty when I speak about my future.

Its presence is folded into everything I do. My wedding dress is fitted to my form, but also to my insulin pump. A night out with my friends includes laughter, a few drinks, and someone gently asking, "Have you tested?" A kiss is interrupted by "you taste ... high." It explains so much of why I worry and why I work so hard.

I have lived with type 1 diabetes for over 21 years, and my future holds decades with this disease. Diabetes is every day, and there is no cure. But just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. Those of us who live every day with diabetes feel it every day, physically, emotionally, and financially. Type 1 diabetes deserves the attention of the nation and the promise of a cure.

RAISE YOUR VOICE and let people know that diabetes is not invisible - we see how it touches every day of our lives, and the lives of our loved ones. We deserve to be heard. We deserve to be cured.

A Great Life Lesson

On this day, Morrie says he has an exercise for us to try. We are to stand, facing away from our classmates, and fall backward, relying on another student to catch us. Most of us are uncomfortable with this, and we cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping ourselves. Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom I notice almost always wears bulky white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes, leans back, and does not flinch... For a moment, I am sure she is going to thump on the floor. At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up. "Whoa!" several students yell. Some clap. Morrie finally smiles. "You see, " he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too-even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.

-Tuedays with Morrie

My Corporate Struggle!

What do you do when you love your job but NOT the people you work with??

I know the answer is, either suck it up or change jobs! But I'm torn. I love my boss and I enjoy what I do. I'm blessed and I do a great job because he has been a positive mentor. He looks out for me. Although, I know he doesn't "love" everyone we work with either (since he's told me behind closed doors), he's still been there longer and deals with it very well. Other than him and my 4 graphic (male) designers... the rest of the co-workers are women! Not cool women though- Annoying and ugly (yes, I said it) women!

Now, I am not one who has a hard time with women relationships at all. However, the friends I associate with on my time, are ones I "personally pick from preferred apple trees"! I think that's why I feel like I am between a rock and a spiked wall, at times. The girls in my department are ones I'd NEVER be friends with. They are a mix of cornballs, former sorority chicks and Mid-Westerners who moved NY and think they know it all. They wear LAME clothes, are very clicky, blurt their PERSONAL business out loud, have bad hairstyles, can't get dates, lack sex, lack style, and make me sick! I've been out with them on (forced) occasions, work functions and birthdays and have not been convinced, otherwise. As a result, I do what I have to do, speak to them only professionally, and keep them at a distance. But I still think that doesn't help the situation because inside I still have ill feelings. I don't want to work with people who are my close friends BUT the feeling of "not being able to stand them" isn't good either.
I appreciate that my boss and I have a bond but it is not so publicly televised and it's better that way. I enjoy our one-on-one talks and appreciate how he is always very respectful towards me. He always tells me, that my success is HIS success and that is proven to beTRUE! He'll do what it takes to get ahead which sets an example for me to do the same. I am the only one who can put brakes on my success. So with that said, I know I must change the way I FEEL.
Unfortunately, we cannot be as blessed when it comes to people we work with. That is why we need to play our part and play it well (always). I will not allow anyone to step on my toes but I shouldn't stoop to their level, either. If I am "present" (as Eckhart says), I'll be able to see that it is my ego who's annoyed, not me. And I'll be able to see that it's their egos that make them jealous and wack! Ultimately, if I allow them to GET TO ME, it can only hurt me in the long run.
Corporate America is out-of-control and that is NO MATTER WHERE you go! Unfortunately, it's where we spend most of our time so we must make it work for us. My girlfriend (outside of work) shed light on me today by stating, "Everyone believes their matters are important. A car only has one driver; therefore, drive your way through. Remember you have the key!"
So Vroom, vrooom bitches!! I'm putting the keys into ignition. This of course doesn't change the fact that they are lame but it can change the fact that they make me want to throw scissors at them!

No One like Nina!

Got my hair on my head, Got my brains, Got my ears, Got my eyes, Got my nose, Got my mouth, I got my smile, I got my tongue, Got my chin, Got my neck, Got my boobies, Got my heart, Got my soul,Got my back, I got my sex, I got my arms, my hands, my fingers, my legs, my feet, my toes, and my liver, got my blood... I got life, and I'm going to keep it... as long as i want it, I got life.... heart, soul... heart, soul.

There’s some music that you hear for the first time, and love immediately. You put it on repeat. It slowly rises in play count, and then you get sick of it. You might rediscover it in a few months, and it’ll be listenable again, but the music will never have the magic it did when first you listened to it.
Then, there’s music that grows on you, one song at a time. You may not love it when you first hear it because there’s something you don’t understand about it. And then it clicks, and it becomes a part of your life, never really growing old, never fading in your favor, never loosing the magic with which it once possessed you, but rather gaining soul as the play count rises. Nina Simone does this for me. She just makes me happy! Even the House remixes done by Thievery Corporation are amazing!
Her voice is timeless. Her deep, almost masculine croon, heavy, it seems, with sadness, making her slow songs so poignant, and her faster songs, in turn, all the more full of life. She comforts me on a good day or on a bad as she sings Here Comes the Sun... little darlin'! It seems she has been through and knows so much more than me but even so, each song seems like it was meant for me. That's how her music has always made me feel. Very personal! It's capturing and I come back to her time and time and time again. I got my moments, I got my music and I got my Nina playing loud... heart, soul... heart, soul.

We Love Nataliedee.com

I'm Sorry, Madeline!

My heart breaks for MADELINE KARA NEUMANN,
an 11 year old girl who lost her life (ironically on Easter Sunday) because of untreated, UNDIAGNOSED Diabetes, as she stopped breathing and slipped in coma, then death: she spent her last month in agony, as her body went into Diabetic Ketoacidosis in which the body lacks insulin but builds ACID in the blood. It is a terrible condition that when NOT treated can lead to a miserable death (by violent vomiting, excessive thirst,
shutting down of internal organs, nausea, sharp abdominal pains, extreme lethargy, blindness, and the list goes on and on). Her parents did not obtain the treatment that could have saved her life. Instead they chose prayer over a doctor and depended FULLY on God to save her.

Like many others, I am saddened by this story. Now, I believe prayer is a beautiful act, in terms of requesting guidance and hope and that some people do indeed draw strength from it. However, I don't agree that it's a cure-all. People believe in free will but leaving things in only God's hands should not be a reason to decline help from other sources. God is merciful,yes, but we cannot guarantee His deliverance above all. He lends His hand in disguisable ways and it's sad when people do not recognize it.

The difference in Madeline's situation is she was a child, under parental control and influence. If she was an adult who made her own decision about her medical condition, this wouldn't be such a controversial issue. That's why Wisconsin authorities will consider filing charges against them for not allowing medical intervention for their daughter. I don't know her parents, of course, but as a Type- 1 Diabetic myself, I am partial. I have suffered the condition (that Madeline died from). I do not wish it on my worst enemy. It bewilders me to know she was forced to face this all alone. Her dying had nothing to do with God (but everything to do with neglect).

I believe God holds the physician in honor, for they are essential to humanity. It's through His mighty work that we have access and are given knowledge in the first place... whether it's knowledge to heal, to ease pain, cure disease, to prepare medicine or to just help people in dire need. There is far more to the notion of divine intervention than unexplained miracles. Doctors skill to cure patients is miraculous and that makes life and the human body miraculous! It's tragic that there are those so blinded by fervor who cannot see the divinity of what is right in front of them. Furthermore, even more of a misfortune when those depending upon them (like Madeline Kara) lose their lives due to their ignorance.

Rest in Peace, Kara. (May God have mercy on your soul since your parents couldn't have mercy on your life!)

These Boots Were Made for Walking

We should never be afraid to walk away. No matter what it's from. A lot of times people stay in "situations" (relationships, living situations, jobs, organizations) because we think that we don't have a choice. Or that we'll never find something as good (or as bad?) again. Or we think that circumstances make it impossible to make a change and find something else. Or sadly, we fear having someone say, "I told you so!" Doors, windows and eyes are always being opened by something. I believe it's a higher power. Regardless, we should pay attention. And of course— the Biggie in the equation —is having faith that it's for a purpose. Even if your departure gets prolonged, know that it's completely OK for you to want it for yourself... especially, if you think it will better your existence. But if the want becomes stronger, then the sooner you make it happen the better! Always be prepared because there will always be a new set of "foot wear" to fill in life so don't ever hesitate to slide on a new pair and walk away.

It's Amerykah

I was excited for the latest Erykah Badu album to drop for a number of reasons: 9 wonder, J Dilla and Madlib being a few of them. I heard the first single "Honey" and that solidified the anticipation... especially since I'd been so hooked on Jill Scott "The Real Thing" and had H.O.V.'s "American Gangster" playing for quite some time, I was just ready for a new enlightenment.

Alas, no promotion or marketing (besides a secretive VH-1 taping) and with a new bf behind her (Jay Electronica), New Amerykah was #2 spot on the charts it's first week out. So, I finally hear New Amerykah: Part 1 (a series of at least two, possibly three, albums tackling sociopolitical issues like poverty and 9/11 with musical influence sounding like 1940- 60's styles) in its entirety. I will say, if you are buying the album off of the strength of "Honey" hold your ponies! The upbeat, bubbly single is the only song of its kind on the album (not that there's anything wrong with that). Instead, 4th World War is mostly dark, minor-key melodies with eerie chants and talk of falling buildings and shout outs to Louis Farrakhan. It felt a little weird to me the first run through, but after two or three listens, it's grown on me. I like the fact that it's lyrical and creative, two KEY qualities I look for in any type of music I put on.

Basically, its Erykah trying something new, and at the end of the day what else would we expect from her?

Damn Jankees

When I make the trek up to my original NYC neighborhood - El Bronx, where I once lived as a kid amongst my Boricua and Moreno brothers and sisters- from rice and peas to arroz con pollo - the differences are everywhere I turn. For starters, E. Gunhill Road (where I often cruised in the back seat of my father's Monte Carlo) and Dyre Ave., is predominately Caribbean & West Indian. This means a lot of beef patties, patois and a penchant for soccer and cricket... if you go on Castle Hill Ave., you can eat a bad ass cuchifrito or enjoy the BEST Chino-Cuban food everrr! But if you walk round the corner of 136th and Broadway, it's a whole different ballgame. Perhaps you've been greeted by the Blue and White NY logos proudly painted on sidewalks. Or maybe it's the navy baseball cap that is a uniform staple in every man, woman, and child's daily attire, all year round. Whatever the sign, its not hard to tell that you are in Yankee country. Around the corner, at the local barbershop, you can hear men passionately discussing the "NY Jankees", Jeter, Giambi, Rodriguez...

Shefield and the rest of Torre's team always has the floor during the playoffs, taking precedence over news of the moments: subway baby stroller bombs, Katrina aftermath, devastating Asian earthquakes, California fires, etc. And if you put your head out the window during a nice Spring, Summer or Autumn night, you can hear collective yells, and sighs as emotions echo off the Hudson River and reverberate between the projects and Co-Op high rises...

Now, let's face the facts. The Yankees have it daaamn good. Not only do they have the biggest bank account in the league and the highest paid players. They have an automatic fan base of 4 million in NYC alone, and that's considering we give The Mets the other 4 million city dwellers (which would never really happen cause the Mets are NYC's stepchildren). I'm just trying to be fair... but throw in the fact that The Yanks play in the house that Ruth built, and have the most beautiful roster in baseball history, (the Jeter-Rodriguez combo has had the league on lock for years) and your talking the stuff that legends are made of.

As we start to see the trees budding and the coats coming off, The Pinstripes will be here soon pissing away another chance at victory, even after the White Sox had the decency to rid us of our dirty work and put the brakes on another painful Red Sox repeat years ago. The Yanks don't let the losses get the best of them. Either way, the upset will always make front and back page news and the cries will last until basketball season begins. Then, they'll increase - cause we'd be stupid to expect The Knicks to ease our pain! Anyway, it doesn't matter. We are the best fans in the world, we can take a beating, develop amnesia, and the next season do it all over again. Yup, it's almost that time! I saw them boys on T.V., training down in FL... looking good... perfecting their swings... practicing their throws.... ready to do the damn thang!

Seriously though, I don't have to follow it on television or even attend any games (it kinda bores me) but in my head I still sing: "Let me root, root, root for the home team, If they don't win it's a shame" All in all, we may hate loosing but, we love those Damn "Jankees"!!

Visibility, a Virtue!

Sleigh bells ring, Are you Listening??

Would you rather be hated or invisible? If you are hated you evoke emotion from people. You are known, albeit for something bad or evil, but people are aware of you and more often than not want to know what you are up to. They want to discuss you, give an opinion, talk about the what ifs, and how comes, and basically they keep your name in their mouth. But still they hate you, can't stand you, wish ill things for you and at the end of the day doesn't everyone want to be loved?

But being invisible...means that no one wants to see you drop dead from an incurable disease, they won't talk about you behind your back, and they surely won't discuss your life ad nauseum for lack of something to do. But being invisible essentially means you do not exist. You can walk in and out of a room without a sole looking up to steal a glance. You can observe without being observed but you would not be worthy of attention. Or as having nothing to contribute, and nothing to say. No, people won't be crank calling you but is anyone checking for you at all?

So what happens when you've become accustomed to being the center of attention and you are put in a situation where you must be competitive while trying to maintain your ideals, personality, and your work ethic? You become drowned out by all of the noise. And essentially with a muted voice, and nobody to hear you scream, suddenly you feel like a tree in the woods falling, without a sole in 100 mile radius to hear the thud of your body as it makes contact with the ground.

Struggling with this decision, myself, I chose to try to let my actions speak louder than my words. However with few accolades coming my way, criticisms and judgments, I didn't always receive the recognition that I hoped for. That's the reality of these situations. If we were always able to be consciously aware in the moment instead of thinking of what we are going to do next, and for "who", we'd be above it all... instead of buried beneath. People, in general, would easily realize that it's an underlying problem of "caring about what others think" and they'd know when it's trying to rear it's ugly head.

So, I am reminded of a scenario that I saw in the Polar Express. The little boy in the movie cannot hear a sleigh bell ringing because he doesn't believe in the spirit of Christmas. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. But when he sees Santa, and all the magic, promise, and hope that he possesses, he becomes a believer, and suddenly the sound from the bell is so clear he wonders how he could have gone so long without knowing the truth.

So, I consider myself that bell. I may be sparkly and cute on the outside, and for some, that may be all that they see. And because I am small, not too loud, mysterious and complicated- I am easy to overlook in room full of flashy toys. But to those that believe in me, they could pick me out in a crowded room ((*wink)). They will hear me and find purpose in what I am doing. I'll have their support and encouragement to be myself first and foremost. And because of that I will never have to be concerned with being invisible. I have waaaaaaaaaaaay to much to say.

*wink, wink...
L.Y.D.G.

LOvESiCk!

A great reason to go to a movie "My People"... I saw this coming attraction last week and was immediately drawn to the film. It SCREAMED "Love" and screamed "Crazy, Passionate, Puerto Rican people" (like ME)! It's a quirky but fabulous lil Puerto Rican Indie film - executive produced by Benicio Del Toro and starring Luis Guzman (AKA Pachanga) - and that's all it took to get me to run like a bat outta hell into the AMC theatre sola...

Maldeamores (Lovesickness), the film I speak of, chronicles three stories of love and loss interweaved in this passionate drama. In the first story, a young boy experiences his first kiss from a girl at the same time he finds out that his father has been cheating on his mother (DRAMA). In the second story, a man desperate to marry the woman of his dreams holds the bus she drives for a living hostage (PYSCHO). Lastly, an elderly divorced couple still living together gets a surprise when the woman’s first husband shows up on the scene (AY AY AY).

Yes, it is full of drama, but there is so much more to love about this movie aside from that. I love the writing, and good writing is def hard to come by these days. It is witty and insightful and engaging from start to finish. Of course being Puerto Rican, I could appreciate the authenticity of the language and the dichos used in the characters (being that it takes place in Puerto Rico). I felt like I was listening to my family talk the entire time and that made it even more special to me. Even though you won't have to be Puerto Rican to appreciate this movie. You will still relate to the characters and to the situations faced no matter where you come from or who your families are. Whether this movie shocks you or enrages you, or just makes you laugh you will become engaged, emotionally. (The viejitos "cute lil' old people" are hilarious and I'd like to be like them when I grow up)!

So, the moral of the story is, go see Maldeamores! The only way to see more Latino movies made in or distributed by Hollywood is if the few that they put out are successful. So go support a movie that is actually worthwhile!

Bendiciones!

Abide by Your Beat!

The heart is involved in everything that you do. It's always interchangeable!. There is a thin line between all emotions you feel.... you'll love, you'll hate, it'll be sweet but also bitter, you'll feel warm and caring or you "have an ice box"! Our heart rules us...we cannot ignore the rhythm of it's beat but you can learn to know it and nurture it!

You think you're in control, but you are influenced. You know which direction to go, then you stop in your tracks and left to contemplate, again. We are confused, because we're not sure how to react... even though our heart always gives clear signs. When your shocked, hurt, afraid, disappointed... you feel those rhythmic contractions, which cause sharp stings. Some call it "heartache". That sounds pretty accurate!

Your heart is very strong muscle but at the same time it is sooooo delicate. Back in da day... the heart was given special recognition. The "Chinos" considered that it's where happiness originated from and "King Tut's Pharoah friends" considered the heart to be the source of intelligence and emotion. I can agree with them all! I also believe, that if people followed their hearts more than relying on the "idle chatter" their minds create, they'd be much better off! We can make decisions based on our mind, or our gut.... but the heart won't hesitate in telling you what you really need.

A Dream Deferred

A Dream Deferred - Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore-- And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

I remember reading this poem at P.S. 160 in the 3rd grade and really hating the imagery it created. Who wants to picture dried up raisins and rotten meat??!? But later on it began to take on a whole new meaning to me and I said I loved Langston Hughes! There were a lot of deaths around me in high school and college. All these young people who tragically died, forced me to reflect on how short life was. I mean, we say it all the time, but do people really heed to what that means? Probably not. I think about how limited our time is here and how there is no time to waste putting off our dreams. When I was a really young, I chucked a lot up to being "young and reckless". I figured if that's how I made it to "adulthood"... I'd be good. I was wrong... and I realized it as time passed. Lots happened and lots of lessons were learned. Even still.

Another friend of mine, Fabian, lost his life in Feb 2007 to AIDS after 10 years. I spent every Wednesday night with him during his last months and it was extremely rewarding on both ends. His passing "always" reminds me that being young and reckless "just to get by" is not the way to go! I'm not invincible and neither are my friends and just because you think you live a "safe" life, doesn't guarantee that you'll be "saved" or that time will remain on YOUR side...

I spoke to a friend from school yesterday. He and I used to do spoken word together back in St. John's and we were each other's inspiration at times. So when we spoke, we chatted about our "current doings". He said he's working some random job that has nothing to do with his major and I mentioned the irony in that. He replied "Mel , we all can't have our dream job, like we kids in school think…you don't just get to jump right into what you wanna do in the real world!" I was turned off by his statement because I could feel his bitterness. I wondered, how did that happen? Everyone has dreams. No, you don't easily just land in them but what happened to preserverence? The only difference is some people decide to follow no matter what, and others let things get in the way.

Dreams, much like this poem states, need to be nurtured. They need to be fed, cradled and attended to with care and passion. They need to be fought for and held onto at all costs. It's sad when a person gets blinded and without much fight or dignity... just lets it all go! well, I'll be damned...

Learn to Cállate la Boca!

If A equals success, then the formula is:

A = X + Y + Z _ X is work. _ Y is play. _ Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

I've learned from experience how unhealthy and hurtful gossip can be... especially when it's done around me and has to do with peeps I care about. Gossip's everywhere. Whether it touches us personally or not, we can't escape it but we can control the role we play in it and how we're affected by it. We've all participated in it at some point but when it leaves an uncomfortable imprint or influences the way you feel around specific people, you should really contemplate whether or not it's all worth it. Either way, it stirs up unconstructive drama in more ways than one. 

I've been in social situations where everyone is chatting it up and having a good time. Then, someone starts airing out someone else's dirty laundry,  and there's this downbeat, awkward vibe that fills the room and it doesn't matter who partakes; co-workers, acquaintances, mutual friends, family...  you'll eventually learn to see; there are people who are good for "this or that" purpose but not the best people to tittle-tattle with.

Gossiping causes assumptions to be made. It may hurt someone to hear information or cause people to get riled up. That's the nature of the beast! It may be about people you don't even care about but chances are your still left feeling  frusterated. There's this ugly thrill in the gossiper when they have news they want to share about others. When they're disclosing info that you DON'T know, they get a high off  'making it known', "Oh, so did you hear?", "have you spoken to so- and- so... oh, so lemme tell you what happened!" You may often see the gossiper's aura to be vile or unpleasant. Either, you're left wanting to know more or wanting them to shut their face. Someone else may want to add what they know, and another may want to play defense. Most often, heads are left spinning...

The Four Agreements a very impressionable book I read in 2004 and again in early 2007 touches on the topic of gossip in the very beginning and every chapter ties into it. It's very conceptual, but the agreements (if understood) can completely transform the way you look at yourself and others in your life. 

Even when dishing your own dirt- do it wisely! I'll willingly reveal facts about my own life and details about what I'm going through but I'm choosier now, with whom I share. I know I seem mysterious at times. Some people may wonder, "does she like me?", "what is she thinking?", "is there something she's not telling?" On the contrary, the people who matter won't have to wonder. I'm thankful to have the freedom in choosing  who to be an open book with, who to give cliff note versions to and who to close the cover on. Sometimes, I know this right away. Other times, my judgments seem thwarted but that never lasts long. I am selective, candid and brutally honest but have learned when it's necessary to bite my tongue.

Generally speaking, it takes time and experience for people to really know whom they should open their pages to. If secrets are being kept between close friends, maybe you are not as close as you thought. In any other case, there's nothing wrong with having secrets and being shrewd. If your intentions are not to help, then disclosing other people's dirt or criticizing how they live their lives is useless... so learn to zip the lip! If it's too difficult to do, possibly there's more of an ego issue or a huge void that needs to be filled. Regardless, just try to be conscious about how it affects you and your company. Most importantly, always think about the direction you have that finger pointing.

Repost: Dear Pancreas, May 2007

Dear Pancreas,
I'll never be exactly sure of what happened when you took it upon yourself to just quit on me, making life a daily battle for me. You had a pretty important job for 16 years, you know, producing insulin? Keeping me alive? Apparently, that was too much for you to handle so you threw in the towel a bit early. Nevertheless, you remain comfortably in the same location but now choose to do nada! It's pretty f*@ked up leaving me all your work to do. If I were as lazy, I'd have been dead a long time ago. What's the point of a pancreas when it can suddenly stop functioning without any warning? Without another to serve as back-up? Since your retirement all you do is sit behind my stomach, looking as ugly as you always were. At least if you had been my kidney, I'd have another to depend on. It's crazy to think, one of my lungs once collapsed, while the other one was punctured but those bad boys still transport oxygen into my bloodstream today. Other organs put up fights but I can't say much for you. You stop working and there's no break! Only of course the one that's done to my skin everyday with needles that cause an uncomfortable sensation of insulin being spread beneath it. I have to admit, that shit HURTS!!

You are no good! A bum-ass (and did I mention ugly?), poor excuse for an organ! The least you could do is have a part-time position, considering the fact that I test blood sugars and correct levels ALL DAY LONG! Fortunately, I've grown pretty well accustomed the past 11 years and will continue to do no less for the rest of this life, however long it may last. I've been doing your job pretty damn well and you will never know what it's like to have to do it from the outside… what it feels like to experience a 3hr long high blood sugar episode (blurry vision, peeing every 10 minutes, headache, severe dehydration). I go to the gym and work out, trying to keep my glucose steady at 130 mg/dl the whole time. Sometimes, I'm forced to step off the elliptical to find some fast-acting sugar just so I don't fall to the floor. I handle it and continue! No one even notices, as I do it so well now. It ain't easy and at the end of the day, I'm tired but alive! You got weak, made me strong and the card of STRENGTH remains consistently by my side.

So sit back & relax! Isn't that what you been doing all this time? Don't bother to get up now. It's 3:12 AM and I'm awoken out my sleep once again, in a cold sweat, reaching for my meter to test the mighty blood sugar. If I relied on you, I'd be in a coma in less than 10 minutes. So, I'll handle it because I have no choice. My duty is forced most of the time because I can barely even keep my eyes open or stop my hands from shaking. However, I close my eyes and rest during the 40 seconds it takes for my meter to read my level and display my results… 42 mg/dl ( #@%*! BASTARD!!)
Well, I'm thankful for Apple Juice and Peanut Butter and Jelly Bellies and OJ! They've save me from ER and Def Leppard's song "Pour Some Sugar On Me" has a new meaning. It's my Hypoclycemic anthem!

I have to also thank God for my family who unfortunately has to see me suffer when I go into DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis) but is there to support me everytime. My friends experience my deadly mood swings caused by sugar lows frequently, too but excuse me for it. The good ones never hold me, responsible. They don't pity me either and I respect them more for that!

But wait Pancreas, you are not off the hook… because God forbid you raise an islet these days and allow me to drink coffee with real sugar instead of Splenda and if the only thing available is Sweet & Low (YUCKKKKK which causes Cancer "so they say") oh well, I suck it UP! If I want to go to Cheesecake Factory and indulge, I will! As I now (with NO shame) whip out the Almighty One who makes it all possible... take a bow!

Little do you know, how much I "nervously anticipate" a healthy pregnancy. While I challenge your neighboring organs to work much harder then they should in order to carry a fetus for more than 6 months. I have to be even MORE on point with my mind and body in order to create a beautiful and HEALTHY child but if all goes as planned, maybe I'll attempt it again!

Oh, Pancreas, as much as you've let me down, I wish you'd come back. I'd take you back in a heartbeat and would gladly depend on you to be 100% committed. I would've never had wear that annoying insulin pump for 4 years under my clothes or wonder how to keep my insulin from getting too hot in the Summer or too cold in the Winter. Ahhhh Health: What so many people take for granted!!! I remember what it was like when you did your thing. I used to run outside with no worries and drink Nestle Quik while you quietly and painlessly secreted insulin inside of me. Everything was cool. No lancets, no brusies on my stomach, no $100 testing strips that the insurance never wants to cover, no insulin bottles breaking, no fingers that hurt when typing because they're pricked all day long... I have to be honest, I've been scared out my mind without you!! I'm not always tough and I throw the occasional party of pity. Nonetheless, I have been granted a never-ending job to execute so I remind myself that there's no crying in Diabetes!

I will feel proud when my lab results read an A1c level of less than 7% and I won't have to get that look of disapproval from my Endocrinologist (God, I hate that). I will continue to appreciate feeling GOOD because I've worked hard that day to feel that healthy. Even as I sit here, 11 years into this and with the beginnings of diabetic retinopathy in my left eye, weak kidneys, the occasional punctured capillary and several medical prescriptions to be filled continuously, I feel pretty damn successful. There's not many things I have been unable to do since you quit and I continue to become stronger each day because you did! On a positive note, if you hadn't, I wouldn't be who I am today. I depend more on myself and don't take health for granted... and I stay FLY! And for ALL that I DO, I have 2 more things to say… FREAAAKK YOU and THANKS!!!

Sincerely, The Funky...

Mistaken?!

Through the years of trying to make right with my wrongs... I've observed that our learning is often cheated. When we reach the height of our conclusions, we are really just participating in our own myth-making. We notice change and then we convince ourselves that we have established this new understanding... but as sure as tomorrow will always follow today, we find ourselves to yet again, be perpetually mistaken.

It's crazy how life will expose you… especially when you think you got it! It's like mirrors thrown in your face... showing you that you must contemplate the "truth" again and showing you those powerful moments in which we all find regrettable. Being wrong = being wide open. It's uncomfortable and often embarrassing. Ultimately though, we are fortunate to be erroneous. Our guts are forced to form a new consciousness... one that would not have formed on its own. We rely on our guts and intuition... but beliefs, are always up for question. Even if they have a legitimate source, your beliefs are not permanent realities.

As much as we all dread being wrong, our humanity is too vulnerable not to have fallibility. Imperfections are like life companions. Too often, we consider past learnings, done. We see available information to be so sacred, that our judgements dont need help... but they always DO. We'll always have room to re-think things and we should!!

We are constantly given a chance to start over... 'cause life doesn't stop when you are wrong and the people who care & matter don't stop loving you. Life just demands that you to continue with more humility than before. There's times, we all think we know! There's times I believe I'm certain. There are also those times, I'm lucky enough to see when I'm mistaken...


I think it's fair to say....
Never make assumptions because you never really know...
Confront people on misunderstandings...
Learn to be comfortable with vulnerability...
Forgive everyone but remain honest...
This is how you'll gain your respect and everyone else's... not by being right.

It's not as if I'm right on being wrong, I'm just saying...
'cause life is FULL of misunderstandings, misinterpretations, misconceptions, misjudgments and misbehavior so make room for human error. It'll only be with you your entire life!

To Do List: BE A GIRL!

Because when you are going thru "shit" meaning: dealing with your emotions, and people, and work, and family, and finances, and lovers, and friends, and traffic and all the issues that come with everyday life as a girl in NYC... ALL while PMSing'... you anticipate a "bullshit detox". And you try to make it last! My head has been swimming with fantastically relaxing ways in which I plan to rid myself of the crankiness that’s resulted from weeks of settling for so-so interactions with all-of-the-above. My ever-growing list of activities involves a typical regimen of hair, skin, nail care, shopping, music, alone time and great wine! I have this fantastic new exfoliating scrub that I want to use on my feet so I will. I've been listening to new albums such as Erykah Badu and Lupe Fiasco and really appreciating them! I attended a fabulous pampering G.N.O. (girl's night out- for those who are stumped) in which I was introduced to more great beauty products and more great wine. All amongst great women who all have lots of "bullshit" in common. I'm thinking in the next few days, I'll touch up the color of my hair. I definitely need a manicure/pedicure since I'm going on vacay in another 6 days. I also plan to aimlessly wander the aisles of a bookstore selecting some things to read – and to the library to get my new book club selection: The Gift of FEAR! Man, I hardly fear much of anything these days but maybe this book will put me in my place!
A few nights ago, I was dragged out shopping by one of my girlfriends and initially felt the need to be frugal. Well, just the opposite happened~ as I stood there with 5 pairs of shoes in front of me and decided that playing process of elimination was NOT an option so, I bought them ALL!! ZARA had a sale earlier in the week so on my lunch hour and splurged there, too. Barney's had there warehouse sale and the only reason I was not successful was because we arrived 20 minutes to closing. Maybe it's fine for other women, but 20 minutes is NO time for me to make any type of shopping decisions! A few days ago, I caught myself strolling through Nordstrom's shoe dept. and my face lit up!! I tell my 2 yr old niece,"oh look at all the pretty sandals we can wear with all our pretty dresses!!" She did not look impressed. She had her own agenda and that was to look at the fish tank on the 1st floor. She kept me sane at my moment of weakness, as I was forced to ignore my temptations and follow her out the store. She was in chaaarge! I'm ahead already anyway, I thought! I went to the gym twice this week (kudos to me) with my newly created “Girl Power” workout playlist. I've been on a healthy food kick but coffee and wine are not up for giving up just yet! Flax seed and Quinoa are my new obsessions, though. Although, I'm noticing some of my favorite jeans being very loose and not so cute anymore, so maybe I'll have to add chocolate chip cookies to my diet!! I saw the movie, Juno, today with another girlfriend of mine who's dealing with man issues. Just after we talked it out and got the venting out our systems, we treated ourselves to Starbuck lattes but ONLY because it was right next door to the theater and we would have been stupid not to! So, I'm home now... I cracked open a bottle of La Rioja Alta, had my Sunday power writing session on paper and caught up on a few phone convos. Sadly, the weekend is over and I have to go to work tomorrow. Coincidentally, tomorrow is the day that the new, higher MTA prices go into effect. *sigh*. I have a newly developed blemish on my face, to start off my week which of course is just a friendly reminder of what's to come. I'm thinking sex will probably clear that up, though! We'll see what else the week delivers. I'm ready for whatever! It's not like I really have a choice... but I wouldn’t have it any other way. There'd be no challenges without those everyday issues and I'd probably be pretty lifeless without them so after I detox and finish my feminine escapisms... I'll gladly snap back into reality and re-open my doors to all the beautiful, colorful "bullshits". I also look forward to my next purchases... that will most likely be my morning cup o' Joe and Extra Strength Midol! :)

Thank Heaven for Little Boys!

My nephew is here!!! He came fast and furious and perfectly into our world. Although, he had us waiting in suspense as my sister had not found out the sex of this second child... for the purpose of having the "surprise effect". So 10 months we waited... in silence but in hope's that no matter what the sex was, that this baby was healthy (of course)!! So we all grew more and more excited by the month...

However, grew especially impatient over these past few days. We all thought he was coming early. Even the Dr. did! However, he was in no rush to come out the warm & cozy womb. He took his time and came a day after his due date but was worth it! Diana delivered this baby within minutes. Once the contractions became stronger and I saw her face, I exited the room... but waited just outside with the door slightly opened. I heard the nurses redundantly say, "push, one more time" and "you're doing a great job", screams from my sister, heavy breathing (from everyone), my fabulous bro-in-law coaching her through it all. Suddenly, my sister yells to her Dr.,"GET IT OUT!" and I cringed! She wound up doing it Au natural! My sister is amazing and within minutes I hear, "it's a boy" and then, I hear my bro-in-law, Ramin (nervously) laugh out loud like someone was playing a joke on him. Then, I hear a baby cry and I couldn't take it. I was so overwhelmed.

I must admit, and (most of you know) that I felt it all along that this child was a boy! I wished for him and he came. At 6lbs. 14oz. 19 inches long and even though he was only a few minutes old, I already observed his easy-going nature. He hardly cried and as a Pisces/Water sign, which are described as sensitive, soft-hearted and good-natured to the core... it all seemed pretty accurate! As I watched him lay in the nursery in his own world, not influenced by other screaming babies, he would open his big, ocean Blue eyes very slowly and then close them again... not phased by his new surroundings. His little lips were deliciosuly pink and he seemed to possess a gentle spirit...
Wow and Natalie has a little brother now... to love, to play with and to boss around and I have this handsome lil' nephew to spoil. I will teach him to appreciate life, to respect himself and the girls, to protect his sister and love his mother. I will advise him to be charming and encourage the importantance of being a gentleman at all times. I am so much in love, already! Welcome to the world Jeremy William Missaghieh , my lil' Persian/Puerto Rican Prince... it's about time. We cannot wait to get to know you!