Repost: Dear Pancreas, May 2007

Dear Pancreas,
I'll never be exactly sure of what happened when you took it upon yourself to just quit on me, making life a daily battle for me. You had a pretty important job for 16 years, you know, producing insulin? Keeping me alive? Apparently, that was too much for you to handle so you threw in the towel a bit early. Nevertheless, you remain comfortably in the same location but now choose to do nada! It's pretty f*@ked up leaving me all your work to do. If I were as lazy, I'd have been dead a long time ago. What's the point of a pancreas when it can suddenly stop functioning without any warning? Without another to serve as back-up? Since your retirement all you do is sit behind my stomach, looking as ugly as you always were. At least if you had been my kidney, I'd have another to depend on. It's crazy to think, one of my lungs once collapsed, while the other one was punctured but those bad boys still transport oxygen into my bloodstream today. Other organs put up fights but I can't say much for you. You stop working and there's no break! Only of course the one that's done to my skin everyday with needles that cause an uncomfortable sensation of insulin being spread beneath it. I have to admit, that shit HURTS!!

You are no good! A bum-ass (and did I mention ugly?), poor excuse for an organ! The least you could do is have a part-time position, considering the fact that I test blood sugars and correct levels ALL DAY LONG! Fortunately, I've grown pretty well accustomed the past 11 years and will continue to do no less for the rest of this life, however long it may last. I've been doing your job pretty damn well and you will never know what it's like to have to do it from the outside… what it feels like to experience a 3hr long high blood sugar episode (blurry vision, peeing every 10 minutes, headache, severe dehydration). I go to the gym and work out, trying to keep my glucose steady at 130 mg/dl the whole time. Sometimes, I'm forced to step off the elliptical to find some fast-acting sugar just so I don't fall to the floor. I handle it and continue! No one even notices, as I do it so well now. It ain't easy and at the end of the day, I'm tired but alive! You got weak, made me strong and the card of STRENGTH remains consistently by my side.

So sit back & relax! Isn't that what you been doing all this time? Don't bother to get up now. It's 3:12 AM and I'm awoken out my sleep once again, in a cold sweat, reaching for my meter to test the mighty blood sugar. If I relied on you, I'd be in a coma in less than 10 minutes. So, I'll handle it because I have no choice. My duty is forced most of the time because I can barely even keep my eyes open or stop my hands from shaking. However, I close my eyes and rest during the 40 seconds it takes for my meter to read my level and display my results… 42 mg/dl ( #@%*! BASTARD!!)
Well, I'm thankful for Apple Juice and Peanut Butter and Jelly Bellies and OJ! They've save me from ER and Def Leppard's song "Pour Some Sugar On Me" has a new meaning. It's my Hypoclycemic anthem!

I have to also thank God for my family who unfortunately has to see me suffer when I go into DKA (Diabetic Ketoacidosis) but is there to support me everytime. My friends experience my deadly mood swings caused by sugar lows frequently, too but excuse me for it. The good ones never hold me, responsible. They don't pity me either and I respect them more for that!

But wait Pancreas, you are not off the hook… because God forbid you raise an islet these days and allow me to drink coffee with real sugar instead of Splenda and if the only thing available is Sweet & Low (YUCKKKKK which causes Cancer "so they say") oh well, I suck it UP! If I want to go to Cheesecake Factory and indulge, I will! As I now (with NO shame) whip out the Almighty One who makes it all possible... take a bow!

Little do you know, how much I "nervously anticipate" a healthy pregnancy. While I challenge your neighboring organs to work much harder then they should in order to carry a fetus for more than 6 months. I have to be even MORE on point with my mind and body in order to create a beautiful and HEALTHY child but if all goes as planned, maybe I'll attempt it again!

Oh, Pancreas, as much as you've let me down, I wish you'd come back. I'd take you back in a heartbeat and would gladly depend on you to be 100% committed. I would've never had wear that annoying insulin pump for 4 years under my clothes or wonder how to keep my insulin from getting too hot in the Summer or too cold in the Winter. Ahhhh Health: What so many people take for granted!!! I remember what it was like when you did your thing. I used to run outside with no worries and drink Nestle Quik while you quietly and painlessly secreted insulin inside of me. Everything was cool. No lancets, no brusies on my stomach, no $100 testing strips that the insurance never wants to cover, no insulin bottles breaking, no fingers that hurt when typing because they're pricked all day long... I have to be honest, I've been scared out my mind without you!! I'm not always tough and I throw the occasional party of pity. Nonetheless, I have been granted a never-ending job to execute so I remind myself that there's no crying in Diabetes!

I will feel proud when my lab results read an A1c level of less than 7% and I won't have to get that look of disapproval from my Endocrinologist (God, I hate that). I will continue to appreciate feeling GOOD because I've worked hard that day to feel that healthy. Even as I sit here, 11 years into this and with the beginnings of diabetic retinopathy in my left eye, weak kidneys, the occasional punctured capillary and several medical prescriptions to be filled continuously, I feel pretty damn successful. There's not many things I have been unable to do since you quit and I continue to become stronger each day because you did! On a positive note, if you hadn't, I wouldn't be who I am today. I depend more on myself and don't take health for granted... and I stay FLY! And for ALL that I DO, I have 2 more things to say… FREAAAKK YOU and THANKS!!!

Sincerely, The Funky...