Epiphany (LOVE)

"I comprehend life lyrically and musically.
I have come to understand that life is a dancer and you are the dance.

You don't live life. Life lives you, and the opposite of death is birth, because life has no opposite.
If more people let go of who they want to be, they can then just be who they are, and find no comparison.
I know my feelings are much stronger than reason but my thoughts are not who I am. As the saying goes, "whatever you fight, you strengthen, and whatever you resist, persists."

No more walls... I now feel bliss!

I am so thirsty for the wonderful that I've come to believe that only the wonderful has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something wonderful, I have to let go. It's not a loss, but a gain... I don't see it as unfortunate, since most of the time it's all in my favor.
Reality doesn't impress me but illusion will never satisfy!
I believe in intoxication of life. Ecstasy. God.
When ordinary life hinders me, I escape, one way or another, continuing on a search for not just contentment but joy, because even joy's simplest forms, will create an abundance in more ways that could ever be explained.

Eternal Sunshine!

Hot Damnnnn, that sun is shining through the skyscrapers today. It's beautiful in NYC! The Cherry Blossoms in front of my building, in Central Park and in Prospect Heights are in full bloom. We women are sporting dresses and floral prints. Car windows are rolled down all the way. Mr. Softee's anthem is blaring through the hoods. People even look happier... That's because Spring's officially showing us the real deal! Although by the time the evenings roll around, it's feeling more brisk for my taste but that's just the air's remnants of Winter's cold. It won't last long! That sun's warming up, slowly but surely, and for the past few days she's been going at us hard. And for me, just knowing Summer's coming and that the day's will be getting warmer and looonger, makes me as happy as a pig in shit!

The Sun has so much power, it seems. It has the ability to make a persons mood good or bad. It can symbolize happiness, contentment and bliss. It can signify clarity and power. It offer's light and warmth after darkness. It can be used as a symbol of steadfastness and reliability, for no matter how bleak your situation may seem. No matter how many problems you have, just knowing that the sun still rises in the morning, is a pure sign of rejuvenation and growth. The sun gives us permission to flourish and reconnect with nature again. It makes one believe that in every challenge there lies an opportunity, and behind every cloud sits a sun waiting for its chance to be revealed. The feeling it offers, as its rays rest on your face or back, lets us know our paths have been illuminated and that good fortune is on its way. So when the Sun appears, let its power amaze you and let its presence overwhelm. But do not simply just watch - reach up to grasp it, draw its power into yourself. Consider yourself sun-kissed! The power of the Sun is true power indeed and the proof is everywhere you turn!

Poetry in Motion...

If there is something to desire, there will be something to regret.

If there is something to regret, there will be something to recall.

If there is something to recall,there was nothing to regret.

If there was nothing to regret,there was nothing to desire.

-Vera Pavlova (translated from Russian by Steven Seymour)

I'm standing on the train, reading my book but feeling uncomfortable, a little bored, maybe anxious, or just distracted. When I looked up, I see a bold, olive script on one of those subway poetry posters, with this poem (above). When I saw it, it read like true blues. It got caught behind my eye, further back than any tears and seemed emblematic of the moments when I feel that I have to reassess where I'm going or what I'm doing and why. It's a familiar feeling. I have it every now and again (maybe just to keep me on track). Lately, I'm feeling like I'm very much closer to clearing the debris and remembering what's worth keeping, what's worth wishing, what's worth even thinking about... 

I recall another writing that sparked a similar kind of focus. It's the opening paragraph of Zora Neal Hurston's "Their Eyes Were Watching God." 

Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men.
Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.

It's deep. It's insightful and I analyzed it in depth before I could go on with the story, then. Now, it comes to mind again for reasons I'm sure are marked by comprehension. Possibly, since the subway poem attracted the same mental note... the same convictions. Evaluate... Let go... awaken... be present.. be aware... be well...

Dunkin' Politics

The other day... on my way back home from seeing family, I find myself in the Bronx with a sudden coffee crave (not unusual) so I head into a local Dunkin' Donuts...

The middle-aged African American woman ahead of me in line sports an OBAMA '08 button on the lapel of her nice church coat. The younger woman behind the counter – another African American in her early 20s – sports a black wrap under her Giants cap. Yeah, you voting for Obama?" she says to the customer.
Her older Latina co-worker asks, "And who're you voting for?"

"Me? Clinton, baby," she says, wagging her finger. "Last time, under Clinton, I had a good job making $52,000 a year. Then, Bush comes along, and now I'm here working at Dunkin' Donuts." All of us smile, appropriately... like we understand that it's funny but not that funny. (OK to smile, foul to laugh), you know!

So the middle-aged woman (sporting the Obama button) explains the reason why she is not voting for Clinton. She says it's time for change, that her (Hilary's) husband was in there before, and so she's made her connections and deals, and that they owe people. So if Hillary gets in, she's going to be paying them back, and we don't need that. Same with Bush. First the father, then the son, the same ol' nonsense. "At least with Obama, we start fresh", she says.

Hmm, never thought of it that way, and I guess there's something to that. Not that Obama won't have some cronies to grease for helping him get into office if he becomes president. That just may be the way things work, but I kept my opinion to myself. Don't start none- won't be none!

Then, the cashier says, "No more Republicans." We all laugh, seeming to agree with that. As she hands the woman in front of me her coffee and change, she adds, "They're not for us. We all agree on that, too! At least, the Democrats are for us!" (Aye -I-I don't know about all that, but I understand why she feels that way! )

The older woman heads for the door with her coffee and her button (and her change). But before she steps out onto the street, she says, "Vote for whoever you want," she calls over her shoulder. "Just vote!"

I'm at the counter- its my turn, "hi! A small, with cream, not too light, and 1 Splenda, please?" Everyone just goes back to their business. No further questions or arguments, no bickering, no hastiness or name-calling, thank goodness. The conversation couldn't have been wrapped up any more nicely. So while fresh coffee continued brewing that evening, fresh, political thoughts & opinions continued to brew in our minds... and I'm not pouring mine into anyone's cup until I'm done brewing!

GUEST BLOG: My Raised Voice

Yesterday was Raise Your Voice For Type 1 Diabetes Awareness Day. I am a day late but a friend (in my head), and I'll keep her name confidential, posted a blog about and raised her voice. She is responsible for making this day, 4/14, possible as a day for people and children with Diabetes, as well as their family members and friends, a chance to speak out and be heard! She's my age but has had Diabetes for 10 years longer. I relate to everything she feels and experiences and have grown much respect for her. She's done so much to bring people with this disease together. Her motto is, "Diabetes doesn't define me, but it helps explain me!" I completely agree! Furthermore, I thank her! Here's what she writes:

My Raised Voice.
I wear it draped around me like an invisible cloak, one you can't see until I show you the sharp edges. This disease, this type 1 diabetes that you can't see or smell or taste unless I bring you in. It's my hidden disease, my quiet battle.

Look at me and you'll see my father's eyes. My mother's smile. You might notice my engagement ring, or the earrings I bought a few weeks ago, with the little moonstones. You might see that my jeans are hemmed because I'm slightly on the shorter side, or that my purse has a few little bite marks in the strap from where Siah nibbled on it as a kitten.

But look closer and you'll find my insulin pump, tucked into a pocket or resting in my sock. My fingertips, dotted brown from testing my blood sugar. My thighs, dotted red from past insulin pump infusion sets. My stomach, dotted red and smudged from Dexcom's patch. A pattern of stinging stars on my body, left by diabetes.

Listen to me and you'll hear my loud laugh. You'll hear my off-color jokes and my foolish attempts at puns. You'll hear me talking fast. Or maybe you'll hear my music, either coming from my desk or my home or my car. You'll hear me talking about my fiance, or my family, or my cats, or my much-loved nieces and nephew. You'll hear my passion, my ideas, my voice.

But listen closer still and you'll hear the quiet 'boop beep boop' of my insulin pump, the gentle shunk of the lancet as it pierces my skin, the sound of the meter bag being re-zipped. And if I let you in, you'll hear the veiled tone of uncertainty when I speak about my future.

Its presence is folded into everything I do. My wedding dress is fitted to my form, but also to my insulin pump. A night out with my friends includes laughter, a few drinks, and someone gently asking, "Have you tested?" A kiss is interrupted by "you taste ... high." It explains so much of why I worry and why I work so hard.

I have lived with type 1 diabetes for over 21 years, and my future holds decades with this disease. Diabetes is every day, and there is no cure. But just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. Those of us who live every day with diabetes feel it every day, physically, emotionally, and financially. Type 1 diabetes deserves the attention of the nation and the promise of a cure.

RAISE YOUR VOICE and let people know that diabetes is not invisible - we see how it touches every day of our lives, and the lives of our loved ones. We deserve to be heard. We deserve to be cured.

A Great Life Lesson

On this day, Morrie says he has an exercise for us to try. We are to stand, facing away from our classmates, and fall backward, relying on another student to catch us. Most of us are uncomfortable with this, and we cannot let go for more than a few inches before stopping ourselves. Finally, one student, a thin, quiet, dark-haired girl whom I notice almost always wears bulky white fisherman sweaters, crosses her arms over her chest, closes her eyes, leans back, and does not flinch... For a moment, I am sure she is going to thump on the floor. At the last instant, her assigned partner grabs her head and shoulders and yanks her up. "Whoa!" several students yell. Some clap. Morrie finally smiles. "You see, " he says to the girl, "you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too-even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.

-Tuedays with Morrie

My Corporate Struggle!

What do you do when you love your job but NOT the people you work with??

I know the answer is, either suck it up or change jobs! But I'm torn. I love my boss and I enjoy what I do. I'm blessed and I do a great job because he has been a positive mentor. He looks out for me. Although, I know he doesn't "love" everyone we work with either (since he's told me behind closed doors), he's still been there longer and deals with it very well. Other than him and my 4 graphic (male) designers... the rest of the co-workers are women! Not cool women though- Annoying and ugly (yes, I said it) women!

Now, I am not one who has a hard time with women relationships at all. However, the friends I associate with on my time, are ones I "personally pick from preferred apple trees"! I think that's why I feel like I am between a rock and a spiked wall, at times. The girls in my department are ones I'd NEVER be friends with. They are a mix of cornballs, former sorority chicks and Mid-Westerners who moved NY and think they know it all. They wear LAME clothes, are very clicky, blurt their PERSONAL business out loud, have bad hairstyles, can't get dates, lack sex, lack style, and make me sick! I've been out with them on (forced) occasions, work functions and birthdays and have not been convinced, otherwise. As a result, I do what I have to do, speak to them only professionally, and keep them at a distance. But I still think that doesn't help the situation because inside I still have ill feelings. I don't want to work with people who are my close friends BUT the feeling of "not being able to stand them" isn't good either.
I appreciate that my boss and I have a bond but it is not so publicly televised and it's better that way. I enjoy our one-on-one talks and appreciate how he is always very respectful towards me. He always tells me, that my success is HIS success and that is proven to beTRUE! He'll do what it takes to get ahead which sets an example for me to do the same. I am the only one who can put brakes on my success. So with that said, I know I must change the way I FEEL.
Unfortunately, we cannot be as blessed when it comes to people we work with. That is why we need to play our part and play it well (always). I will not allow anyone to step on my toes but I shouldn't stoop to their level, either. If I am "present" (as Eckhart says), I'll be able to see that it is my ego who's annoyed, not me. And I'll be able to see that it's their egos that make them jealous and wack! Ultimately, if I allow them to GET TO ME, it can only hurt me in the long run.
Corporate America is out-of-control and that is NO MATTER WHERE you go! Unfortunately, it's where we spend most of our time so we must make it work for us. My girlfriend (outside of work) shed light on me today by stating, "Everyone believes their matters are important. A car only has one driver; therefore, drive your way through. Remember you have the key!"
So Vroom, vrooom bitches!! I'm putting the keys into ignition. This of course doesn't change the fact that they are lame but it can change the fact that they make me want to throw scissors at them!

No One like Nina!

Got my hair on my head, Got my brains, Got my ears, Got my eyes, Got my nose, Got my mouth, I got my smile, I got my tongue, Got my chin, Got my neck, Got my boobies, Got my heart, Got my soul,Got my back, I got my sex, I got my arms, my hands, my fingers, my legs, my feet, my toes, and my liver, got my blood... I got life, and I'm going to keep it... as long as i want it, I got life.... heart, soul... heart, soul.

There’s some music that you hear for the first time, and love immediately. You put it on repeat. It slowly rises in play count, and then you get sick of it. You might rediscover it in a few months, and it’ll be listenable again, but the music will never have the magic it did when first you listened to it.
Then, there’s music that grows on you, one song at a time. You may not love it when you first hear it because there’s something you don’t understand about it. And then it clicks, and it becomes a part of your life, never really growing old, never fading in your favor, never loosing the magic with which it once possessed you, but rather gaining soul as the play count rises. Nina Simone does this for me. She just makes me happy! Even the House remixes done by Thievery Corporation are amazing!
Her voice is timeless. Her deep, almost masculine croon, heavy, it seems, with sadness, making her slow songs so poignant, and her faster songs, in turn, all the more full of life. She comforts me on a good day or on a bad as she sings Here Comes the Sun... little darlin'! It seems she has been through and knows so much more than me but even so, each song seems like it was meant for me. That's how her music has always made me feel. Very personal! It's capturing and I come back to her time and time and time again. I got my moments, I got my music and I got my Nina playing loud... heart, soul... heart, soul.